I'm not gonna lie, I was a mess yesterday.
I just wanted to stay in bed all day yesterday. I finally got up and got showered and dressed, but then I freaking curled back up on my bed and got sucked into half-ass watching ABC Family movies with Em with tears in my eyes the entire time.
But then the words of my buddy played through my head -- "Keep your chin up and your eyes forward." It's like his theme for me anytime I hit a rough patch. It's been long enough. I never have been able to get my head straight after my appointment Wednesday. If I'm a believer in the rule of 3s, I've had my 3 blows -- one Wednesday, one Thursday, and one Friday. I've shed enough tears over the course of these past couple days. Enough setbacks on the moving forward. It's time to start pulling myself together again.
My resolution this year was more. More HAPPY mores, but that's not been the case thus far. I was talking to a friend yesterday, giving him the update on my doctor's appointment and the other crap and I made the comment that this is not the more I was talking about when I made my resolution. He came back with "It's only 19 days into the year... this is just leftovers from last year." And it just... helped. Put things into perspective. Because it is true. Everything negative that has happened to me so far this year, is indeed leftover from last year. No new problems or issues have come up. It's just more of dealing with the same old crap. So things aren't too bad. And I need to keep focusing on that fact. I did tell him I did not ever agree to those terms of 2012's junk following me into this year. I guess I should have read the fine print a little more closely.
Em and I ran to CVS so she could pick out a birthday card for my stepdad. Of course she picks one that is 8 freaking dollars. $8 for a piece of cardstock folded in half. Geez! But while I was there, I ran into a friend of mine who hasn't seen me for probably a good 9 months or so. She came up to me and gave me a hug and then started gushing over how amazing I look and how much weight I have lost. I was all, "Thanks, but it's not under the greatest circumstances." When we worked together, we were so close, but that was years ago and she had no idea about what I've been dealing with since June/July of last year because I don't talk about it on Facebook and very few people out of work and my family/super close friends know what's been going on. So I gave her a cliff notes version, spelling out words I didn't want Em exposed to since she was beside me. Needless to say, she wasn't expecting it.
But I walked away with a new more to add to my list. More fostering friendships. I hate losing touch with people in life. The real, true people in life, those who care for you genuinely, not the ones who are just waiting for the opportunity to screw you over the first chance they get. And she is one of the good ones who has essentially slipped out of my life because our lives took us on our separate paths. I miss our going out to dinner and drinks, laughs and girl talk.
So... more. More of that too this year dangit.
With more people.
We went to my mom's house for a while after that, and somehow the subject of my finances -- or lack thereof -- was brought up. My brother's jaw dropped when he found out how much I make a year. He is in college still and his yearly income 2 years ago was more than mine this past year. Adding up the thousands of dollars in medical bills I've accrued since July, on top of the everyday bills, and they had an eye-opener as to what I am facing and why I was near tears discussing the fact a PET scan costs up to $6000. Even if my insurance approves the scan, using that dollar amount as a price point, I would still be responsible for $4250 of the cost. My mom thinks I need to wait until I get a diagnosis to see what this is, what I am up against, and file for bankruptcy if it does end up being the best-case scenario that we're all hoping for. It's freaking crazy. Working for a hospital and drowning in medical bills because of the insurance and measly pay that hospital provides for it's employees.
Then she got the bright idea that we just need to find me a husband. I said, "Yeah, since I'm doing so well in that area by finding out my stupid ex was cheating on me." Oh mom, you sure know how to bring up the best topics regarding my life. But it gets better lol. She's decided we wouldn't ever have to see each other, it'd just be a sugar daddy type thing for me -- him supporting me financially and putting me on his medical insurance -- and said she's sure she could find a willing participant at Toyota, where she works.
.... I think my mom may start trying to play matchmaker by the look she got on her face after saying that. I swear I saw a light bulb come on over her head. Ha!
And then... what I needed the most, a night of laughing with friends. Seriously, those nights are what help me the most. YOU GUYS are what help the most. So thank you. I had a couple moments of drifting off, thinking too much about things I shouldn't have been, but for the most part I was there in the moment and enjoying myself.
And dare I say it... I even had a few thoughts about the future and looking forward to the fun we're planning on having as the year moves forward. Warmer weather really needs to get here fast!!
So I think I am back to getting my head straight and pulling myself together again. I just need those dang leftover to stay in the past.